Saturday, August 2, 2014

Published 9:30 AM by StilettoLova with 0 comment

The Mind of An Abuser - It's Not About You At All

Yes, We Rise|  The mind of an abuser - it's not about you at all
Ray Rice, wife Janay and daughter
I think I'd better say this now... Stephen A. Smith was suspended for one week from ESPN for, in my opinion, a poor choice of words for a powerful statement.  He opined about the physical altercation between Baltimore Ravens' Running Back, Ray Rice and his then fiancee', Janay Palmer that resulted in a third-degree assault charge.

During the off-season, Rice was caught on an elevator camera punching the face of his then girlfriend (now wife), with her unconcious body being dragged off of the elevator. The video went viral, and the rest is history. Rice was suspended for two games by Commissioner Roger Goodell.

In Smith's reaction on ESPN's First Take, he suggested that women should make sure that they don't do anything that could "provoke" an attack.  This is not only true, but true to BOTH genders.  Women AND men should keep their hands to themselves.  No human being deserves abuse.  Period. 

However, since this incident has spiraled out of control, we need to reel it in.  We really don't know the entire story of the Rice incident, but what we do know is that the mind of an abuser is a complex mix of emotion that is out of control.

Understanding abusers and victims

The abuser is likely more psychologically wounded than the one he abuses.  When we hear of domestic violence, or worse, death from domestic violence, the judgement of victim is always questioned once the word gets out.... "Why doesn't she/he just leave?"  "Why don't they call the police and have them locked up?"  "They are just stupid to stay somewhere and just continue to get beaten!"  The ironic thing is, the victim in most cases knows that their abuse is not rational behavior.  However, they simply cannot compete with the overwhelming desire to "love away" the multiple sicknesses that the abuser has.  Let's explore some of the psychology in the mind of an abuser...

Yes, We Rise|  The mind of an abuser - it's not about you at allPsuedo-Narcissism

The abuser typically thinks that they aren't like other men or women.  They often tell their victim that no one will love and/or provide any better treatment to them.  Secretly, however, this is a very real fear that they possess.  

The Blamer

When a victim "provokes" her mate by cooking dinner too spicy, and she is hit, it's her fault for not making it "just right".  When a victim turns left while driving, and is hit because his wife wanted him to turn right, he "made" her hit him.  When an abuser is passed over on a promotion due to poor performance, it's the company's fault.  The company has it in for them and is out to make life hell.  When a child is hit because they wrote in cursive the wrong way, it's their fault that they aren't following directions.  The abuser will shift the blame to the victim to justify that slap or punch.

The Excuse Maker

Like the Blamer, the Excuse Maker will try to justify why he's being abusive.  "My parents never did anything for me."  "Everybody hates me."  "I have to fight for everything."  "Nobody loves me and supports me."  Often times, the victim stays because they are guilty.  The Excuse Maker plays on the vulnerabilities of the victim.  Worse, if the victim identifies with what he/she is hearing, they will feel compelled to remain loyal to their abuser.  I think they call it the "Broken Wing Syndrome".

The Re-Namer

The abuser will slap, choke, punch, humiliate, dominate, berate, rape.  He will redefine his behavior by trying to change the perception of the behavior.  He will minimize a slap or a punch, by saying, "Yeah, I 'roughed her up' a little bit."  He will dominate and berate and then say that he's "Trying to make her better."  He will choke and rape, and then say that "He's trying to spice up the sex in the bedroom by trying something new."  The abuser uses these tools to take the "sting" out of what he knows to be dysfunctional.

The Hider

The abuser is a chameleon.  He/she tends to be the polar opposite of the image that is protrayed to others.  Often abusers are perceived as fine, upstanding people in the community.  They are often seen praising in churches, working side by side with us.  You see them at the playgrounds and parks with the kids, and you see them loving kiss their spouse as they leave for work.  All is beautiful and picturesque until you see the police in the driveway.  The abuser blends in to society well, but wears a different face behind closed doors.

The Renegade

The Renegade thumbs his or her nose up at the authorities.  They know the law and they work hard at avoiding the law while maintaining their destructive behavior.  For example, their are certain places in the body that can be punched (the abdomin, for example) that are harder to bruise and show the tell-tale signs of abuse.  Many abuse victims often live and work among us who are suffering from hidden scars and bruises that were covered by clothing.  Those scars and bruises healed over time, thus preventing any future reports of violence.  Many get acquainted with the laws pertaining to restraining orders and ex partes.  They become well versed in how to work around the law to as to evade punishment. 

The It's All I Know Abuser

The abuser, in many cases was abused as a child, often by a parent who also had an abusive upbringing.  That learned behavior is really all the the abuser knows when coping with their emotions.  They often use this as an excuse when lashing out - that they simply don't know another way.   

***Stiletto Lova***


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